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6/25/2021

6/11/2021

6/9/2021

6/8/2021

ENTRIES

6/25/2021

apologies for going through patches of updating and not-updating.. things have been stressful and busy recently.

my sister's wedding is very very soon-- i'm excited and nervous. i've never been to a wedding before, and i'm the man of honor so it's just very.. pressuring. but i'm sure i'll be fine.

i'm so happy for my sister, and i wish everyone around her and her husband would stop trying to make the event about themselves or others.. it's sad. they deserve the spotlight for a day; they've done so much for our family and me..

anyways.. i'm mostly scared about seeing my father, as an "event" had happened in these last few days that made me completely block his number and cease contact with him. not to get into details, but he essentially tried to re-establish control over me by threatening to do something very awful and morally repugnant. in the end, he retracted his threat after talking with my sister, but it was still pretty upsetting.

he's still apparently coming to the wedding, and i'm just waiting for him to pull some bullshit on me or someone else there. i made a plan to "grayrock" (look it up! i only recently learned this term) if he tries to approach me-- i made it very clear that i don't want him talking to me. i also have friends on my in-laws family who i feel very safe with, so if need be, they could tell him to fuck off.

guess we'll see how things go..!

6/11/2021

i have officially graduated from high school!

i'm happy with myself. i finally got through all those years of anxiety and stress and made it out the other side... i can't believe that took up around 12 years of my time.

as for the actual ceremony itself, it was nice, but standard. the handing out of diplomas was relatively quick, aswell. i got to see some friends i haven't seen in a long time and they seemed happy to see me. i even got to sit next to them, as we had an open seating chart.

my plans are to get to college in the fall and start my independent life. i'm excited, a little scared, but i know i can do this. i'm so ready to be around people like me and make friends.

now for the cons of the day... well, my family seemed happy for me, but not as happy as i had hoped. all i really got were a few congratulations and... that was it. my friends, on the other hand, seemed genuinely excited for me to the point of tears. i also didn't get any gifts other than flowers and a regular lunch out. i can't lie and say i'm not disappointed but i'm not sure what i can really do about it. my second-oldest sister did say she sent something for me in the mail, so i look forward to that at least.

i never want to come off as greedy, but i thought it was standard to receive some sort of monetary gift as a reward for 12 years of work. or just a gift period... i don't know. oh well.

6/9/2021

well, graduation rehearsal is in a few hours. i slept the day away and woke up at around 1am. i've been on this sleep schedule for about a week or so now >_>...

i guess it's fine though cause i have less responsibilities seeing as it's summer. oh, i also got a haircut for the first time in months. saw an actual barber this time and didn't just take scissors to my head lol. it's shorter than i imagined but that's usually a good thing. as long as it looks good.

whenever i think about hair i get kinda sad seeing as i've almost always had ear-length hair. i guess it's just because i'm rather masucline, and i feel i don't fit the long-hair-dude criteria. also, my face and jawline just fit short hair better i suppose... but still, i see some long haircuts, especially the "wolf cut", and get kinda jealous. it's a cool haircut i wish i could have!

anyways. i should do my laundry while i still can... i always do these things last minute. i hope my rehearsal goes well.

6/8/2021

annoyed as all hell today thinking about an ex-friend who was unfathomably horrible.

it's so dissappointing to see someone you love really come out of their shell and display themselves as their true, bitter self. i thought he was so different from past people i've met, but he ended up just being another jobby.

it sucks because i thought i really connected with him; we had a lot of similarities and interests. i could sympathise with his circumstances, and i thought he could mine.

but then he started projecting his shit onto me-- treating me like a child, subposting about me, etc. i had enough and in response to one of his posts talking down to me, i pointed out how his speaking upset me. i thought he'd understand, i thought he had a fair head on his shoulders. but then he kind of just completely exploded.

let me tell you, i've never seen someone project so hard onto someone else before. and i've been around a lot of awful people, but this was record breaking. he started making assumptions off of me, making everything i've ever said about him somehow... he even tried to point out to me something he found "narrow-minded"-- me simply saying "i hate prudes". his logic was that it could be harmful to assault survivors yet... i myself am an assault survivor. to my knowledge, he isn't. now that's narrow-minded.

he also made one of my best friends the middle man in all of this, which made me incredibly pissed off. and all the while, complaining about me to my friend, he had the nerve to insult him aswell. what a fucking joke.

there's so much more to this-- like him being secretly into pedophile art-- but i'm already tired just typing this.

anyways, moral of the story: don't trust a self-proclaimed NEET. they're dangerous lol.

STATUS

mood: bored

thoughts: man that's fucked up

wearing: dbz crop-top, blue-checked boxers

listening to/watching: n/a

eating: n/a

drinking: water