*disclaimer*


some entries may be upsetting to some. to be cautious, i've added the appropriate warnings to each entry. for example, if one entry discusses death, i'd tag it at the top with cw: death.

i try to update this log at least semi-regularly.

also, a quick note... please do not try and project your feelings onto me when reading... i mean this in the kindest way possible.

if i talk about a person on here, chances are it's someone from my past or someone i know in-person. i might also mention friends here.

i hope you enjoy reading, you little voyeur. oh, and the box holding the entries is scrollable, by the way.

2021

10/15/2021

Hallucinated last night. Feel so gross. Things are bad but it's okay. Toss around the sock monkey until it breaks. Stuffing on hands like blood under the Roman's nails'.

The sun is boiling, he is sweating.

10/5/2021 (cw: suicidal ideation, drugs & cancer mention, depression)

i want the cancer to make it's way to me. i want to shoot up drugs and convulse. i want to drink until i collapse and my liver fails.

i know that this must be temporary. but temporary happens all the time. it's not as bad as it was last year, but it's still there. i feel like it'll always be there.

i just want love. i thought i had it, i really did. and then it turned out to be more pain. fuck man.

if i just had someone who loved me like i've always hoped.. i think i'd have a reason to live. other than surviving for my family and friends, i have nothing else to hold me down.

i'm a failure. i'll never get better. i don't want to try anymore. that's how i feel right now, anyways.

i don't know how to socialize. i never have. i hate being autistic. i hate it so much. it the source of every problem i've ever had.

loving people is so easy. but being loved is so hard. i know my friends love me, but i am so selfish. i want more friends, more sex, more relationships. i want to fill the hole in my life.

endless. i am endless. give me my drugs and leave me alone. let me die. i know i'd be somewhat missed, and that hurts. but life without love hurts more.

am i just not able to be loved? is something wrong with my dna? why do the people who i think love me hurt me so badly?

i miss people that i'm better off without all the time. am i just meant to be abused? is that my purpose? i don't know anymore. i'm so confused.

not crying either. i just feel empty. sorry.

10/2/2021 (cw: stalking)

After talking to my friend, i'm beginning to believe the person stalking me is my ex-friend, which is.. expected but still a little jarring.

the details line up.. the timezone the archiving is coming from is in oregon time (where my ex-friend is), how only my logs were saved on my old neocities url (which my ex-friend admitted to being obsessed with), the motive would make sense since they knew me and we ended on bad terms, how someone in oregon keeps visiting my site..

i guess you can never be 100% sure. i don't want to blame him if it really isn't him, but how would i know? i have no contact with him and frankly, don't want any.

i'll keep investigating i suppose.

9/29/2021

and now, an excerpt from fuil...

"Aotrom's stare felt bottomless to Fuil. Those eyes. Those eyes. Those eyes that he had once bore holes into with admiration and passion now were boiling hot with emptiness. Fuil could feel it spilling over him, broiling and burning his very flesh. Soon it was dripping down his throat: heat like burning coals filling his belly and heart. And then, it was pouring out his maw."

...i think it's kind of morbidly funny, that you called me cold. because i wasn't.. what? standing the way you treated me? not giving you that validation? i don't know. i think it's also really funny that i say all this shit about how angry i am but i'd probably still forgive you. should i? probably not. i don't know. but would i? maybe.

i grieve you everyday. it's little things that bug me. i hope you're alive. that's all.

9/25/2021 (cw: sexual abuse, rape)

feel so relieved i'm finally making something for myself and others who have gone through childhood sexual abuse or sexual abuse in general. i feel sick knowing i tolerated people praising henry darger's works and things like mouchette when they're so badly flawed. i can't believe i sat in silence for so long just to make non-survivors happy. fuck them.

depicting rape in movies, tv, comics.. it doesn't have to be so explicit. you don't have to show that shit. you really don't. all you do is make porn for fucked up people and make all the survivors uncomfortable. i hope that by making fuil (my planned kinetic novel) and having it be about sexual abuse without actually showing any sex, people will be more comfortable reading and enjoying my work. i want the game to still make people uneasy, but not so uncomfortable they get triggered or sick. nobody deserves to feel that way. not even for the sake of "art".

i just want to make something for us. i know that as a boy i was so terrified and confused about what happened to me. i thought it made me wrong. like i was forever dirtied and immasculated. but rebirth and healing is a thing, it happens everyday. you just might not notice at first. i find comfort in my own strength.

will get back to coding in renpy now :-)

9/24/2021 (cw: death, grief)

missing my mother this fine fall afternoon. my brain tangles and twists trying to grasp words to describe how i feel, but it can't. i tunnel into nothingness.

i remember taking care of her when she was sick. i was so little, caring for a full-grown adult. but i don't regret it. i'd do the same today. what else could have been done? the cancer was eating her alive. i cannot even imagine how painful it must've been. i'll understand in time, when it's my turn to bare this family's sickness.

i miss mexico. i miss mornings with you. i miss your laugh. when you would make funny voices for our dog. i miss that dog. i miss you singing to me at night, before you'd get drunk. sometimes you'd yell, but i can't blame you. you were a single mother, first cancer and abuse survivor, alcoholic. i cannot even imagine.

i miss you so much. if you were here, i couldn't even... we'd relate so much. even if we were apart for all this time, and then reunited, i know we'd still be so close. i just want to wrap my arms around every inch of your body to protect you. you didn't deserve what happened. a son shouldn't live without his mother. you were my world.

"will I ever put flowers by the street? / will I ever put flowers by the street? / never needed to live and suffer through the pain, all the tyrannies of grief, if I ever do. / will I even have the strength to do anything? / could I go and leave flowers by the street?"

love you.

9/22/2021

very frustrated these last few days.. i can't catch a break.

i'm listening to bulldog eyes' "seeya" album again. it's comforting and nostalgic.. good noise. some songs make me think of someone i wish i could forget. it's so hard getting your heart broken.. but it's just life right? i guess it's part of growing up. i wish it wasn't, but it surely is. speaking of, i'll be 19 in ~3 1/2 months.. really crazy for me to comprehend. soon i'll be 20, and nothing will be different.

i know one day i will have someone who understands me even more than he did. they won't be self-centered nor mean-spirited.. they'll love me, and i'll love them. i will look into their eyes and see someone i truly couldn't bare to be without. our love will be strong despite cold winters, and i'll be warm for the first time in my life. someone to hold me when i'm upset. someone who just gets it. i'll wait for you.

anyways.. i should get some sleep. goodnight.



2019*

*all of these entries are from my phone journal i kept at the time. i was deep in psychosis and major depression. i keep these here as a reminder on how far i've come.

6/2/2019 (cw: suicide ideation mention)

i hate my father and i wish he was dead. that's it. a part of me wants to die to escape him and the other wants to survive to spite him, so i can watch from a distance as he slowly rots himself away without the validity of my company. eat shit fucker. it sucks to suck!

5/21/2019 (pet sickness/death, grief, depression, ed, suicidal ideation)

abby died today at 6:36 am. dad walked into my room and told me she was breathing heavy still. went to her in the garage and kissed her and petted her. got up to get ready for school (i thought i was still going at that point). told dad to please go pick her up and sit with her in the living room. i get upstairs to brush my teeth and he calls me shortly after and tells me she died. at first i didn't want to see her but when i went back downstairs i just wanted to see her and pet her again. i started crying.

decided to stay home even though this would have to be my last day if i wanted to keep inside the allowed missed days total. i have therapy tomorrow. i don't care about school anymore it's kicking my ass and i'm slipping i don't care anymore.

we buried her later. dad put her in a garbage bag. it made me feel sick so i told him to take her out of it. dad already dug the hole so i wanted to at least be the one to put her in. she was so stiff even through the towels i could feel how dead she felt. i petted her one last time. her eyes. i won't forget her eyes. so dead. i put a purple flower on her grave.

i can't accept it. it's only barely hitting me that she's gone forever. she's dead. i can't go in my room. as soon as i open the door i just start crying. it feels so lonely. i miss her so much. she was in my life since i was a baby and she walked this earth earlier than i did. i hated to see her in pain but i hate it even more that she's gone. it's selfish i know but i just want to feel her sleeping on my chest on a saturday morning one more time. i'm going to miss that a lot. she was never directly cuddly but i'd wake up in the mornings sometimes with her on my face or chest or sharing my pillow. that's another thing i'm going to have to get used to. using "was" instead of "is". good lord i miss her so much.

i always thought i was going to die before her. i joked saying she'd live to be 30. she didn't deserve to be alone in that garage. she should've been in bed with me.

thinking of if she really held onto life all night just to see me one more time in the morning and then finally let go, it makes me so guilty. i miss her so much. it's terrible but i truly believe i'm grieving her worse than i will (if i even do) grieve my own grandfather when he eventually passes.

i can't be happy. i tried to distract myself. i even chuckled or felt ok for awhile with videos. and then it suddenly just comes to me that she's gone. and i'm back to crying. god doesn't want me alive.

when i got home the other day i had plans. i was going to do stuff. i was going to change my sheets, play guitar for the first time in months, feed my snake, do things. feel good. and then i found her snuggled against a barrel in the garage. i will never forget that meow she made. she was desperately calling for me when i opened the door to the garage. it didn't sound like her. she couldn't walk. she wouldn't eat. she was so thirsty. i knew she was going to die. but i wanted to hope that it'd get better. cats survive from strokes all the time. but she started breathing heavier, moving around confusedly. i tried so hard to make her comfortable but she just wanted to sit on the alone on the floor. i put her by a window downstairs and opened it so she could see nature and hear it. she was in so much pain i could tell. i'm so sorry baby.

everything hurts from crying so much. i tried to turn to my dogs for comfort but i just don't have the same bond with them anymore. they're both too rough and jump on me because they don't understand. when abby saw i was upset or in pain she'd come over to me and purr and lay near me to keep her eye on me. i miss her so much that's all i can think.

i want to starve myself and gorge myself at the same time. i think i don't deserve to eat because she can't. i think i shouldn't eat because i'll die. i think i don't care about eating healthy because what's the point. i think i should eat more because i'll die. i hate everything so much. things were going good. i was trying so hard to do a 180 from how i previously felt. to think only 3 days ago i was having such a good day. i hate god i hate him so. i hate him so much. just fucking kill me already you sadistic bitch.

5/18/2019

today was really surprisingly nice.

i missed therapy because me and my dad overslept which bothered me at first but it was fine. that's what rescheduling is for i guess.

went with my dad and [his girlfriend] to a trail and we walked about 5 miles altogether (to the end and back). it was really nice and i even took some pictures and i didn't feel very anxious at all. i even talked a lot.

i really like nature, i feel like my family thinks i don't because i'm a recluse, but nature makes me feel so at home. it's just the people i'm averted to. saw a lot of cute dogs there too.

i also just finished a bath and it helped my throat and body aches a bit, hopefully i'm not too trashed tomorrow.

5/7/2019 (cw: ed, suicidal ideation)

thinking about how i haven't been eating much. i get home from school and usually just want a drink or a snack and then i forget about eating until it's nighttime and by then i'm either still not hungry enough or if i am i recognize it's too close to bed time to eat.

i'm not sure if this is depression-based or stressed-based or just me being forgetful or a physical problem. it's definitely not-- my dad just texted me to eat a yogurt. ok maybe that sounds a little tempting-- as bad as months ago when i entirely stopped eating because i was so depressed. like not even willingly anorexic i wanted to eat but when i put food in my maw i would gag or feel nauseous. that lasted for about a week and a half.

hopefully it doesn't happen again but if it does i hope it last long enough where i actually starve to death lol.

5/4/2019 (cw: psychosis, depression, suicide mentions)

i'm sitting in the guest bedroom of my sister's house currently. i'm frustrated because i was hoping to write on my laptop but the outlets in here are two-pronged compared to my three-pronged charger. i was hoping to continue writing that indulgent script or maybe... well. the other one.

things aren't great and i do not see a sun on the horizon. i lack drive in just about everything except for writing, ideas, coding... everything else i feel like a zombie. even art again now.

i'm kind of scaring myself. i feel so detached but still attached at the same time. my belief in god has gone from ambiguous to pretty solid as things got worse. he's not real as in he's here to guide me and be my shepherd. he's real in my head as a sadist who whips me onward to fill his own belly with laughter. if heaven or hell is in fact real, i will kill god and make him sob like a spanked child.

feel like i'm losing everyone. family has always been meh, so has social life in school, but now i just feel guilty talking to [blank] and i think i might be scaring him with my babblings of suicide and god-hating. i don't blame him.

if things go my way, i will be dead soon, with god's head crushed between my hands. then i will die again.

4/24/2019 (cw: suicide/depression mentions)

feeling sad. not extremely depressed but very sad.

saw [blank] on twitter say he was upset and wanted some questions on cc (question website). sent him an anonymous question saying that although i don't talk to him much, i did worry for him and was hoping he was ok. he replied to it saying i shouldn't worry about people who will die anyways.

the response made me so sad just because i've been there and i still can be there sometimes. it also made me sad seeing (well apparently, from just his response alone) that my message of "i care" simply passed through him. thinking that way makes me feel selfish, because obviously a simple declaration of caring never is going to be enough to help a depressed or suicidal person, but i think i'm just sad that i've been where he's been and now i get how it feels to be on the outside looking in.

3/31/2019 (cw: ed, depression)

i feel so depressed. i don't know what to do with myself.

i haven't been eating healthy for awhile since my father isn't home to make actual meals and salads. i'm old enough to do it myself but i have no motivation. after i eat i always feel so upset with myself and disgusting like i just shoveled the contents of a garbage tin into my body.

now i haven't seen my therapist recently either and this time it's not even my dad's fault she just is saying she isn't available and it's worrying. how long is she not going to be available? i can't meet her next week either and i can only call on monday. it's freaking me out and i already want to drop her for some reason. she's probably just dealing with something but i need to see her so bad and it's hurting me. i feel so bad recently. the phone calls aren't enough.

my right leg has been messed up too. there's no reason for it either. nothing has been having reason recently, everything's end goal is to fuck me up i suppose. it doesn't feel like a sprain it feels like my bone is being fractured whenever i stand up. i almost fell down the steps this morning when i took a step down and my leg crumpled. i got worried because i thought about how my mom's leg had something wrong with it before she died, what if that's happening to me. i'm probably overreacting but i hope it goes away soon but it's getting worse.

i can't draw anything. i try so hard and i just can't it was my best friend's birthday on friday and i couldn't draw anything. he said it was fine and i should rest (i was sick the whole week) but i still feel bad and i want to make him something amazing but i just have no drive. i'm surprised i haven't lost followers over not posting like i have in the past, i've even gained a few which is weird but a little reassuring.

so much is on my mind and i just feel sad. i want friends so badly. i want to be in college and drink and be a dumb guy and have friends like i'm supposed to but it'll never happen. i don't know if i'll ever be happy.

3/21/2019

it's raining and i hear a bird chirping outside. weird since it's so late. it will be a good sleep tonight.

i've finally got internet again after months of not having it and i spent the day on my laptop working on my personal website and even watched little shop of horrors. was real good i love horror musicals. my favorite thing about it was how the actors seemed somehow cartoonish in how they talked and moved. don't even get me started on the puppetry. the music absolutely slapped. the ending was jarring and i liked it it was so cleanly finished lol.

2/12/2019

remember when i said i was gonna do this daily. lol.

anyways i'm sick and i'm fighting it tooth and nail. i ate a healthy dinner last night (chicken, asparagus, sweet potato, salad with mushrooms) and drank a lot of water and tea. woke up this morning and boiled my tea to warm it up and added some lemon for the vitamin C boost/flavor. it feels good to fight something healthily instead of just taking medicine and waiting around miserable. although i'm sure medicine would help i don't think i need it at this point but i guess we'll see.

1/17/2019 (cw: abuse, self-harm)

i just sobbed into a puddle of cat vomit.

therapy was ok i was at least more open than last week but i couldn't look her in the eye. talked about how my dad deflects and how he demonizes my dead mother for his own gain. she said that it might be good to talk about it with him to at least get the feelings out as it may help.

car ride home the irony level couldn't be higher he say verbatim what i talked about in therapy 5 minutes ago. i cut him short and say don't i just had to talk about this. he acts all confused and immediately gets defensive and angry. i tell him i don't wanna talk about it and he says he doesn't care and that he wants to talk about it. the earphones go in i can't hear a word he's saying thank god.

rest of ride is pretty quiet i'm still upset but now i'm just angry. get home i just want to sleep. i go to the kitchen to grab something and i'm turning to leave and he tries to give me the cat food. i don't wanna look at him so i just reach my hand out and he goes ballistic. yells at me to look him in the eyes. he yells saying he's not gonna take this and i tell him he shouldn't demonize my dead mother. he says he's not demonizing and that he's right that she would be harsher on me. i just want to sleep. i try and leave and he's still yelling and threatens to take the phone again.

i go upstairs and cry. i'm not even thinking about it when my nails start automatically whirring away at my other arm. i cry for a little and he texts me to come down and eat. i feed my cat and come down. i just tell myself i'm just going to obey i'm not going to react at all just become a robot. it works, he goes on a rant about how things are gonna change, threatens to take my phone and then also implies he's gonna quit my therapy. it takes a lot but i'm quiet and i just keep eating. he fucks off for awhile and then comes back and just stares at me eating. i don't look at him and just keep eating he stands there for a solid minute before leaving and i stab my leg with my fork or at least try to.

i go back to my room and cry. i immediately just run to the bathroom and sit down so it takes me a minute to see the splotch of cat vomit on the floor. i stop crying and clean it up and now i'm here.

i am so unhappy.

1/1/2019

so begins the new year.

i have a lot of aspirations for this year because the new year offers such a fresh clean plate. all it is a human concept. it means virtually nothing. your health problems don't disappear, your house isn't ridded of filth, you are still the same person. but there's still something about entering the new year where almost all of society comes together under the concept that there's a second chance. it's strange but also kind of magnificent.

anyways. my new years wasn't eventful. i don't think last years was either but it was probably better than this one. i stayed in my room for it. pretty telling of me. i went downstairs to see if dad was watching the ball drop because i would sit with him if he was. he was watching some comedy so i just fucked off back upstairs. a few minutes after 12 i hear him yelling into the phone, presumably at my sister. something about her car. also pretty telling of them both.

i don't know what to make of the new year because every time it comes around i feel pretty okay for the first day but then a day or so after feel like shit because i didn't already accomplish something. for example almost every new year before i've said to myself "ok when you go back to school, you're going to be nice and outgoing and not socially inept" and every time it obviously doesn't work. i think i just hate the feeling of starting off on the wrong foot.

i'm going to try and journal everyday, even if i don't have a lot to say i think it'd help and be nice to look back on. maybe stir up some creative engines. speaking of i'd love to buy a sketchbook for the new year. i have one but i've drawn in it already. maybe i'll just tear out the other pages. then again i'd probably never touch it again.