February 1st, 2021
I'm now... drum roll... officially on testosterone!!! I did my first shot about an hour ago.. I was so worried that I was gonna mess up somehow but it was very fast and painless. I'm really liking the fact I started on 2/1/21... hehe. Anyways, I'm sorry for not updating the site much these days, I'm trying to get back into the swing of things... I've been very active on my side twitter, however, if that interests you... follow me if you want! I've also updated my about page to reflect the pronouns I use instead of my gender as I've been questioning if I'm nonbinary recently. Who knows anymore! I hope you are all well.
January 26th, 2021
Mad again. Upset again. Yes it's over the same damn person. I just can't believe someone so important to me turned out to be so shitty. It's happened twice now. Isn't it kinda funny? Talking with friends about the absurdity of the situation helps, but I know time is gonna be the motherfucker to heal everything in the end. Anyways. I got 6 viles of blood drawn today, and I'll be on testosterone in a few days. It's exciting! But honestly feels like nothing has changed. Basically the same how I feel about being an adult; new possibilities, but same ass life! Modest Mouse is playing.
January 12th, 2021
3 whole days... until I see my best friends in the world... I just got back from getting my PCR test; it burned, but didn't hurt that much. It was very fast! Now we just anxiously await the results... I think today I will download a horror game and play for a bit, I can't decide between White Day or maybe a multiplayer like Phasmophobia... we'll see.
January 11th, 2021
I have my telemedicine meeting today before I get my COVID-19 test.. anyways I'm thinking about Kaworu and Shinji again and getting so sad because I just want to fall in love... I'm so ready to love and be loved and not be treated badly. I want to have my first kiss and hold hands... have a picnic with my lover... live with them... get a cat with them... how dreamy. It'll happen one day I'm sure but I'm as impatient as ever. I get so jealous sometimes of other people and their relationships... when I know things are never perfect as they appear on the outside. But I guess I can still dream. I'll be a good boyfriend I think... one day. One day!
January 10th, 2021
5 days.... ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! So excited to see Fox and Alexi and Sam... I'm really thirsty right now, but for today I did: slept 13 hours, had nightmares, coded in Ren'py... had a sandwich... that's about it. I think just like everyone else, I hate waiting periods. I hate waiting! I'm impatient! I want it neow! 5 days... 5 days.....!
January 7th, 2021
Still a little mad, but I'll get over it. I even took some steps today! I also recorded with my friends and did a podcast episode, (I'll have to make a page for our channel...) I'm happy with myself. I have to schedule for a PCR test soon, I'm scared! I don't want nothing up my nose! I think in time I'll be okay, I've basically done all I can right now, so we'll see how things pan out. Right now, I'll just try to focus on my friends and things I care about, like this site. Excited for my birthday...
January 4th, 2021
Another night where I don't take my meds and I end up on my bed sobbing thinking about this person. My friends try to comfort me and I appreciate it so deeply but there's literally jack shit they can really do for me and it just sucks for everyone. I don't want to call people and cry and pull out my hair but I have no way around it when I start thinking about what happened. If I just had an explanation, no matter how harsh it was, I'd be able to get the fuck over this and move on. But I'll never get one I don't think. I wish I just had someone to hold me close and hold my hands and tell me it was alright and they loved me. I recently moved my stuffed animals to my bed (my bunny, the stuffy my mom died with, a Webkinz, and my first baby plush) and they help me sleep easier. But still nothing is the same as it was and everything is wrong and so depressing. I really wish I took my meds.
January 2nd, 2021
Was having a good time and then well I listened to Cut Worms cover of Daniel Johnston's 'To Go Home' and now I'm on the verge of tears. I hate falling in love, every situation I've been in where I fall in love with someone never works out. I think I deserve love and happiness and I know there are ways to have love without romance, but fuck I feel so upset and depressed sometimes feeling as if I'll never be in love with another. It's deeply scarring to fall in with someone who has treated you so badly. Love doesn't disappear overnight, I know this, and I know I can get over it, but it's going to be so hard and I feel tired of being discarded. I'll let you guys know if the morning is any better for me. Sometimes it's good to be sad.
January 1st, 2021
Nothing like going into the new year with anger in your heart. Just kidding, I'm pretty okay actually. Just thinking about things. Today I talked with my friends a lot and then drank champagne and watched Beetlejuice. The woman who plays the wife is very pretty, I've realised. Anyways, I guess we'll get into why I'm a bit annoyed... I recently had a friend of mine hurt me badly, and I can't seem to get over it. I guess it's the lack of closure, since they just ended up disappearing afterwards. I got no answers, no apologies... nothin'. It's very frustrating, especially when you thought this person was your best friend. I guess you never really truly know someone. I just wish something would happen to progress this stalemate; I'm debating ending it myself, but there's still hope in my heart that things can be repaired... Please, take care of the people you love. Be kind, have love in your heart always. Have a great new year.